That's what I felt in chapel recently. I sat there listening to the message, and I was convicted about an area of bitterness in my life. One I've had for a while.
I tried to justify it. The circumstance I was angry about was legitimately wrong. Something God wouldn't be pleased with. I pouted too. I mean, come on, this had hurt me. I know we're supposed to forgive, but can't we nurse our wounds for a little while? We aren't going to be perfect, so should we expect ourselves to forgive right away every time? Is that realistic?
All of my complaints and excuses fell flat.
Not forgiving is as sinful as the thing I didn't want to forgive!
So I sat there in chapel and prayed. I had to admit that I wanted to obey God, but the truth was, I didn't want to obey in this situation. My lack of forgiveness wasn't just me nursing my wounds. It was blatant rebellion against a command of God. But, by His strength, I made the choice to forgive then and there.
I don't want to live with fractions of my heart held away from God. I don't want to pretend I can hide my sins and my wickedness from the One Who knows all. It's futile. I'm acting like Adam and Eve in the Garden trying to hide and cover my sins and having to realize that it's impossible.
I can't allow myself to lock up any part of my heart away from His sanctifying power.
All the keys have to go to Him.