I see it fading. My heart is torn between disappointment and glad acceptance.
A selfish dream of my heart fades. Its absence confuses me. It has been a part of me so long that I almost can't imagine myself without it.
I will never be strong.
How many times have I fought and worked to be a strong person? At my core, I wanted to be the girl who could take every hit and still get back up. I thought I could find enough fight in me to keep myself going. I shouldn't need anyone. I shouldn't ever be overwhelmed or past my abilities. I craved control.
And I can't have it.
Because I am weak. I read God's Word and I see it. I'm a sinner (Romans 8:28) who doesn't even understand the mess of her own heart (Jeremiah 17:9). Jesus's statement in the garden of Gethsemane seems to describe me: "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matthew 26:41). I see these truths in my life. My failures and sins clearly demonstrate that I am unable to overcome.
What good is a weak person, one who is saved but still unable to handle her own life?
Apparently ... that's just the person God tends to use.
"For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: That no flesh should glory in his presence" (1 Corinthians 1:26-29).
Why is weakness such fertile ground for God to work? Because it shows that He is the One doing the work. And He does the work.
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
My own strength is utterly insufficient. When I try to rely on myself, I only end up disappointing myself, others, and God.
But when I allow Him to work through me, then I can obey every command He gives.
So in the end, I will never be strong.
But I will have strength.
It just won't be mine.