Excuse Me, How Long Until We Land?

Suspended in the air, between everything I expected and what is. Between the past and the future that suddenly has taken a different shape.

I thought I'd be in California right now. I had everything lined up, from finances to hotels for the trip to my internship. I thought I'd be living in a dorm with a roommate, twenty-four and still no permanent address.

Instead I ended up in the most unexpected place ... right where I started.

Rather than going across the country to gain experience for a full-time camp job, I now have a full-time camp job at the same place I've more or less lived for the past four years.

I live in an apartment of sorts, much bigger than what I need and all to myself. I'm on my own in a way I never have been, and while I'm near my college and friends, I see their impending graduation and the day when they will all spread across the country and the world.

The responsibilities of life are hitting and I'm busier than I could have dreamed. My job takes much of my attention and focus as my skill set gives me a slightly different trajectory than my predecessor. I'm figuring it out as I go.

My residency has switched states, and while I love where I live there is a part of me that misses the only home I know.

And then in the middle of all that, there has been an unexpected change at my church back home. Not necessarily a negative thing but a change that brings me sorrow and makes me wonder if my home church will even feel like home anymore next time I go there. The thought of being more and more a stranger there feels like one more thing ripped out from under my feet.

It feels like some crazy flight where I'm not where I started or where I'm going, I can't get to either, and I don't know how long it will be until I finally make it.

Don't get me wrong. Most days are good days.

But I long for something that feels like home. Because it's not here.

I feel as though my "feet are falling." But I know where to find my footing again.

"For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 116:8-9

Peace and Wisdom

It has been ... a crazy week.

Last week I worked a full week of high adventure camp, which was a big change from the usual day-adventures that I help lead. It was a fun, stretching, learning week, and while I really enjoyed it, I was tired by the end.

Then things got crazy.

When I got a chance to check my phone I saw I had six missed calls from home. Six. Never a good sign. Upon calling, I found out that a family member had had a life-threatening health problem, had emergency surgery, and was now in the hospital.

I was not prepared for that phone call.

As soon as possible I was driving back home--I had a three-day weekend ahead of me--and hoping to be of some help and comfort there. But on the drive I became more and more convinced that I, too, was about to have a very rough weekend.

Let me tell you--I don't like poison ivy. And the feeling seems to be mutual.

What started that morning as a minor irritation changed drastically by the time I made the fairly long drive home. I took one look in the mirror and went immediately to urgent care in hopes of medicine. So far in my short life I have never met a person with a worse case of poison ivy than I have right now. It's intense. I feel a little silly for acting like poison ivy is a big deal, but at the moment it is proving to be a big deal!

Did I mention that I also have some life changing decisions weighing on me at the moment? Well yeah. There's that too.

So here I am, a few days later. My "three-day weekend" has become an intensely frustrating, drawn out time of being stranded states away from work. For a couple days I didn't feel well enough to drive--and even if I could there was no way I could do my physically demanding job. Then the meds I was given began to snatch away my sleep. And again I found myself unable to drive because I was both tired and unable to rest well, making the road a dangerous place.

I keep hoping that tomorrow will turn the corner. That I'll be well enough to get back to work (I MISS MY JOB!), that I'll have answers to life's questions. That I'll be able to enjoy a moment with my family before rushing off. That's been hard, too. I've felt either so sick or so guilty for missing work that I haven't fully appreciated the unexpected blessing of extra time with the people I love.

So I find myself in this moment asking God for two things. For peace and for wisdom.

I had no idea what was coming at me this weekend, and I have found myself at times overwhelmed. I didn't know what to do or when to do it. I felt guilt over things I couldn't control, like the severity of my "illness" (can it be called that?) and length of time that I couldn't be at work.

There is no real conclusion to this post as the struggles I'm in are still up in the air, being juggled around in my stressed-out brain. So I come back to my request.

Peace, and wisdom. I need them so.

Humility and Hesitation

Do you ever have those moments where your heart is in the right place ... but your brain isn't? You're trying to do the right thing, but for a fleeting moment you don't think it through, and then everything falls apart? I hate those moments.

And I've had at least two in about a week and a half.

They make me feel stupid.

Thoughtless.

I panic at the thought that I can't undo my choice.

And then I pray.

I appeal to the Lord on the basis of my heart's intent. He knows better than anyone that my intentions were pure. Not that my motives can make a wrong action right--ends do not justify means. But I merely say something like, "Lord, you know my heart. You know that I didn't mean to do anything wrong." I take comfort in the fact that my Father sees my heart when no one else does in these times. Even if others could accuse or blame, He will never have a reason to doubt my desire to do right.

And then I apologize. Just because what I did was unintentional does not negate any foolish or sinful qualities it could have carried. So I ask for His forgiveness for the ways I have misstepped.

While I know that these steps put these mistakes in my past--as far as the east is from the west--I am still left with a nagging question. How do I cope mentally and emotionally with my own frailty and error? And how do I avoid making similar mistakes in the future?

As to coping--I would say the main thing I'm choosing to focus on is humility. I am human. I am a sinner. And even when my motives are good (though they aren't always), I will still fail sometimes. This could be discouraging. I cannot allow that though. To allow this to deflate me would only keep me from valuable service to the Lord. So I confess. I ask for Him to graciously restore our relationship yet again after I fail. Humility. I must accept that while I live on this earth I won't have it all together.

To avoid making further mistakes, I must draw closer and closer to my Savior, the only flawless One. Pray for His help. Pray that He will guide my thoughts and actions and help me avoid failing in such ways that could hinder my ministry or relationships with others. And I need to learn to hesitate. Learn to take moments to listen for Him, so to speak. Before saying those words, hesitate to see if the Spirit would have me stay silent. Before going to that place, hesitate to see if He would have me go elsewhere. Before I do that action, hesitate to silently, often wordlessly, see if it is His will.

Things happen. We can let them discourage us, or we can learn, be humbled, ask forgiveness, and seek His strength.

I think the choice is clear.

Rewritten Script

For three years of college, I was on the school’s drama team. Six to eight students would learn a drama in the fall semester then travel to churches and schools in the spring presenting the play. Each drama taught a lesson about God, faith, and life. One year I took the opportunity to help our coach write and revise our drama. Just like any other writing, the story took different shapes and angles as it was crafted into its final form. It was exciting to get to share creative input that would later be presented to hundreds of people in our ministry.

Just like any unfinished script, it seems like our lives are in a constant state of revision. The direction we are taking one moment is not the direction we end up going. Ideas we hold strongly in one season may change in the next as we learn more about God and life.

In December I finished the work for my bachelor’s degree in youth and family ministry with an emphasis in biblical counseling. (Side note: I can’t help cringing when anyone asks me what my major was. First, because the name is soooooo looooooong. Second, because no one seems to know what on earth it means once I’ve finished saying it.) Basically I’m trained to work with youth at church, and I’ve taken extra classes on counseling people from the Bible.

The counseling aspect of the program held the most interest for me, and as I pushed towards graduation I couldn’t help tiredly thinking of the graduate work I’d need to do to be a professional counselor. I love helping people, but more years of studying and papers and reading and sleep deprivation didn’t sound attractive, and I knew I had no money to pay for more education.

Beyond all that, the thought of a job in counseling felt more like a burden than a joy. I am honored to help carry the burdens of my friends and family and others who need me, but imagining myself in an office day after day opening my heart deeply to the pain of person after person scared me. I didn’t doubt that I could do it.

But I feared it would destroy me.

As I charged toward what felt like a sentence of destruction, missions conference at college put an abrupt halt to everything.

Missions conference at college is wonderful and draining all at once. We get great preaching and incredible access to missionaries and mission agencies. We are also required to spend large amounts of time socializing with the missionaries. This is great. It is also a bit awkward for the non-missions students, as it’s easy to feel like we’re disappointing missionary recruiters. This year, however, I had an interesting encounter with a missionary couple. Rather than trying to pitch their mission group to me, instead they asked me what I was interested in. At the time I was open to basically anything, but especially counseling. My camp involvement also came up, and the man enthusiastically latched onto that idea.

This complete stranger—instead of looking at my plans or his own hopes for his mission group—looked at the gifts and opportunities God had put in my life and recommended a camp internship to me. He gave me a contact and the name of a program, penned on the back of one of his missionary cards, and recommended I look into it. He and his wife also gave me some great advice on counseling ministry, which despite my lack of desire to do professionally I still would love to use in ministry.

I went back to my dorm room that day and immediately found the internship he had recommended. Within a couple hours I had filled out the application and called my parents. The idea of full-time camp ministry—one I had shrugged off in years past—now seemed incredibly right. Camp held the perfect blend of my skills and desires, and in some ways even an unexpected angle of both my youth and counseling training.

That day changed the course of what I had thought would be my future. I again have goals and dreams for ministry, and steps to get there. I’m excited about the future and have a growing sense of being willing to sacrifice anything—the sins and weights that so easily entangle me—for the chance to give my all in this ministry for Christ.

A ministry that combines both my joy and my greatest usefulness. What a blessing, indeed.

This is almost surely not the last revision of the script. I may never have a camp internship (though I’m currently in the process of applying for several—would you pray for me?). I may never get the extra adventure experience and camp training that I’m hoping and praying and striving for. But at the moment this is the goal before me, my means of serving my Maker, and it is my joy to recite these new lines as long as He allows.

Still: 2017

I've hesitated to write a New Year's post until now. I realize that I am about three days late, but until now I didn't feel that I had anything to say. Each attempt to frame a post in my mind came out as a petty imitation of someone else's year-end review. I could say how tough 2016 was. How good it was. Talk about resolutions or not having resolutions. Write something chipper or contemplative. But it felt wrong--deceptive--to try to give you some lofty insight on the changing of years if it were merely to write a post and not to share something of value.

I think I now have something of value to share. But they are not all my words.

Tonight I sit near carefully stacked piles of college memorabilia. Four years, now complete, in pictures and programs and invitations and cards. It's been a stressful day, torn between reliving and rejoicing in the past, mourning over a beautiful chapter closed, and trying stay hopeful that the future may be just as bright. I came to the end of my day scatterbrained and uneasy. Aaaaand ... feeling like I should spend some devo time because I hadn't yet today.

I had no desire to stop. Be still. Wait on God. I did it anyway.

Prayed. Read my Bible.

Still very little peace.

A song came to mind. One that often comes to mind when my heart cannot rest. Still, My Soul Be Still by Keith and Kristyn Getty and Stuart Townend (full lyrics here). As I sang the words, a few phrases stuck with me, as they have again and again.

"Still my soul be still
"Do not be moved
"By lesser lights and fleeting shadows "


Lesser lights.

How many of these have I faced in 2016? The desire to please friends, please parents, please teachers, succeed at work, succeed at school, grow stronger physically and mentally. Attractive music, attractive ministry. All lesser compared to the only true Light.

Fleeting shadows.

There were certainly shadows this year. Living further away from friends that mean a lot to me. Loneliness. Failures. Difficult classes. Health problems. For a time each of these did attempt to bring darkness to my soul. But while not all of them have gone away, much of their oppressive weight has passed. They truly have fled.

Every year we will come against the lesser lights that seek to distract from the Light and the fleeting shadows that try to make us believe that the Light is not really there. So in a sense, 2016 was unremarkable. And we know what to expect in 2017. Our choice remains.

Will we, as the Psalmist, face our trials by reminding our souls "Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee" (Psalm 116:7)? Will we say, "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God" (Psalm 42:11)?

Will we face the things that seem so beautiful--praise, human love, power, acceptance--with a reminder not to be swayed? "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Matthew 6:33).

Will we let our souls follow after anything but God?

Or will we be still in 2017?

The Anatomy of a Hard Semester

This is probably the hardest semester I have experienced in four years of college.

We had bug problems in the dorm that I let stress me out for an embarrassingly long time. I had weird, persistent health issues. I had to totally re-define my social life as several of my closest friends graduated last semester. I relearned how to live without a roommate ... and I remembered how lonely it is. My friends and I had to overcome some issues as we're all changing fast and having to adapt to each other again and again. I had more spare time than most people, and I had to find ways to pass many hours, often alone. Graduation and my future loom ahead, and I've been trying to nail down career/ministry plans.

For a while, I really wished this semester hadn't happened. That I could erase it all, start over. Or at the least, leave this place and never look back. These trials -- though none were particularly acute -- lingered with me, ebbing away at my joy and hope.

But then things changed. Like flowers suddenly bursting open, God did two quiet, marked works in my life that brought me to the place I am now.

First, I was convicted of incredible selfishness. I felt alone, unloved, and misunderstood by even my friends. Then God woke me up to how all of my desires were revolving solely around myself. I was the unloving one. I was isolating myself. When I started caring about others again, my sense of loneliness nearly vanished. I didn't expect it to last more than a few days. "Really, " I thought, "don't most spiritual 'highs' just relapse before long?"

It's been weeks/months. Not every day has been fantastic, but there is still a huge difference in my perspective since I started getting my heart and mind cleansed by God in this area.

Second, God has been re-teaching me His love. I honestly had questioned it--not His salvation or the kindness of His actions, but the affection of His person for me. How many people have told me that love is an action? A verb? So it only seemed logical that God's love was one of action. He chose to save me. He rescued me. But caring about me? I doubted it.

Thankfully, a good conversation with my brother and some simple Scriptures helped me begin to believe again that God loves His children with both His actions and His emotions. I can't grasp that entirely. But it is good.

So. I ask myself ... who have I become this semester? How have I changed? How have these trials reshaped me?

• I'm becoming comfortable with myself again. I know God made me individually to serve Him in a special way. I don't dislike myself the way I used to. I don't have to hide my true self or feel the need to be like my peers. I don't have to fit anyone's mold, but instead let the Potter shape me as I live under His loving gaze and gentle hands.


• I am becoming more balanced in my needs to be with people and be alone. I enjoy the times I spend with friends and acquaintances, but I'm not afraid to be alone with my own thoughts.


• I laugh less ... but I smile more deeply. The many trials of this semester have dimmed my happiness in some ways. The pressures I'm under are keeping me more reserved, focused, and serious. I'll hear someone laughing in the dorm hall sometimes and wonder how long it's been since I really laughed. This is hard sometimes. And sad. But before I sound too mopey ... don't worry! There truly is a smile deep down in my heart. I am in a relationship with the living God. That is enough. And the happy moments are coming back!


• It feels like many broken pieces of me--from this semester and past years--are being healed into something stronger and better by God's grace. Pain has pushed me closer to His presence, and it is entirely worth it.

So I praise Him for this semester. I thank Him that fall 2016 was a crazy, weird, hard semester. Because He is working, and He has been kind enough to let me see a bit of what He is doing. I cannot help but "declare ... [His] works."

"But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works" (Psalm 73:28).

Mountaintop views ... in my adventures and in my soul.

Tell Me if I'm Alone.

Eyes closed. Brow furrowed. Trying to find words past the haze of exhaustion, fear, and confusion that obscure my thoughts, even from myself.

Do you ever feel like you've been distracted from what you believe? Do you feel the need to re-learn everything, study every word of Scripture, pray deepest prayers to remember exactly what it is you're doing in life?

It's like a good friend you haven't talked to in a long time. You knew her once. You know you're still friends, and you still like her.  But maybe you've forgotten how to talk freely to her. Forgotten her favorite foods and which movies she hates.

That's how I feel about my faith. I believe it. I love God. I talk to Him. I read my Bible and try to serve and obey Him. Genuinely.

But ... I've been distracted lately. Divided in heart. I've forgotten how much he hates some sins and how much He loves His children.

Eww. Sin is ugly. Including my own. My lack of devotion of late is not a pretty sight.

So ... I hope I'm alone. That you haven't let life distract you from what matters most. Have you?

Please pray for me; pray with me.

Am I alone? Or is someone else here too? Maybe not in any "huge" sin ... Just focused on self more than God? Can I pray for you? Will you pray for me?

Consistent growth doesn't happen when we're alone.

Not Exactly Political

It's the day after a United States election, and the nation is reeling. I sit dumbfounded as my Facebook newsfeed fills and even among my Christian friends there is a strongly divided reaction.

I read posts filled with anger and even hatred towards Trump supporters by those afraid of what he will do. While I cannot agree with the hatred, their voices help me as I continue to grow in my understanding of the very real fears of minority groups. As I understand, I empathize, and in my mind questions stir, wondering what can be done in this country to protect them. I speak to you, the fearful, my friends--please don't let hatred win. But keep speaking. If others don't understand your side, your needs, your fears, keep speaking. Tell them.

Then there are the rejoicing posts, acting like there has been some sort of victory. Maybe even a special victory for Christians.

(Parenthetical comment time: I'm afraid to even post the above sentence because I fear it reveals the self-centeredness of Christians. Are we to seek righteousness? Yes. Are we to seek God's will and His way? Yes. Are we to put all our concerns on our own comfort and on avoiding persecution? NO. What even? Why do we make our political decisions based on "hmm, what will be good for the temporal creature-comforts of Christians?" Why don't we ask ourselves "what is God's will?" Not saying the two have to collide ... but WHY is our human comfort our main concern? And WHY do we act like our personal ease is God's greatest concern????? It. Is. Not.)

So back to talking about all the happy, "yay we won!" Facebook posts. I fear these people have put blinders over their eyes, seeing only opinions aligning with their own. To you, I say--listen to those who are unhappy about the election's outcome. Consider the fears of those who "lost" at the polls. Some fears may be comforted in the coming years, and some fears may be realized. Be a part of the comfort. Be a protector. Love beyond disagreements. And don't think that just because you won, that means you are right. Or all will be well.

Okay, here comes my ONE super political comment. Here's what happened at the election: We had two bad candidates, and one of them was chosen.

Personally, I do not think this is a day anyone should rejoice. I am afraid that in this election ... everyone lost.

I don't know how or if the pieces of this country will ever be put back together. I'm a patriotic person, but I would be a fool to say that America is in a good place. All I ask is that we pray. Together. Not attacking those we disagree with (what's with all the hatred?). Listening to each other. While circumstances differ ... we're all in a bad place right now. Let's help each other. No gloating, no vicious words. Pray.

God reigns. But whether He will now judge or show more mercy to our nation, we cannot say.

So I must pray.

On Being Known

I've never been able to nail down my "personality type." I've tried many a test, but nothing seems to accurately read who I am.

There are two things I can tell you, though. I am what most people would call an introvert. I am also fairly self-aware. If I behave in a certain way I can usually figure out the good, bad, or ugly of why I did it.

That being said, I've been convicted as of late. I don't think introversion is wrong, but I think it can hide subtle sins ....

When I meet you at church and don't say more than "hi," I'm afraid I might say the wrong thing and then you'll think I'm dumb.

Pride masquerades as introversion.

If I don't initiate a friendship, maybe I just don't know if you want to be friends. So I let you try it. I make you take all the risk of extending yourself to get to know me.

Selfishness hides under a veneer of introversion.

Why don't I open up more and share about myself? Because I think you'd be disinterested. You wouldn't care, clearly ....

Judgment and believing the worst about people puts on the acceptable title of "introvert."

Let me repeat. I do not think that being an introvert is wrong. God made some people to need more alone time than others, and that can be used for His will.

But I do know that I cannot justify all my actions by a subjective personality label. It's time for me to be honest about my behavior. Own up to the bad, change some things, embrace the good.

So here's me. Being open. Knowable. And desiring to change and love others more like Christ.

The Sky Is Clearing

Remember last time when I sounded a little bit confused about how all the pieces of life fit together?

Yeah, I still don't get it all.

At the same time, like clouds parting to reveal a beautiful starry night, some of my confusion has blown away and I may have caught a glimpse of the big picture.

For those of you who don't know me well, I'm a girl from a small mid-west town who grew up in a little Baptist church. I was homeschooled, spent many an hour painstakingly practicing piano and harp (Dear Dad and Mom ... thank you for all the patience you had with my musical frustrations!), and from a very young age I was a storyteller.

When I was a little kid, my dad graciously typed as I dictated a play script that I now see is laughably bad. I made up stories for my friends and brother as we carpooled to AWANA. When I learned how to use the computer for myself I wrote a "book" about my friends that my dad edited, printed, and bound. At the age of twelve I convinced friends to join me in writing a magazine ... an effort that extended through the end of high school and involved not only a magazine but also a blog and a website of our own.

Books happened too. I plotted stories that illustrated, in the fiction realm, the grace of God as I knew it from my own life.

Then college happened. I went to a well-reputed Christian college far, far away from everyone I knew. Suddenly my life was busier and more demanding than I'd ever known. As I looked around at all the confident, unfamiliar faces that surrounded me, it seemed that I would never be able to survive that place. I couldn't handle college as calmly as them. I couldn't coordinate all the demands on my time. It felt like I couldn't even pray. My pleas to God seemed to bounce of the unfeeling walls of that impersonal place and come right back at me.

I didn't stay long enough to find out if it would get better.

That's about the time I stopped writing. My confusion and sense of failure sapped all the energy that had gone into my stories. If I wrote about my poor, disillusioned character Jordan, I was afraid that I would become mired down in her pain and mine. So I put her aside, and tried to take care of myself.

I'm now in my last semester of college in a different place, a different major. I'm surrounded by amazing people and I've had incredible friends and adventures. But I still hesitate to sit back down and fill blank pages with the stories that used to be so vivid in my imagination.

What ever happened to my sense that writing was God's will for my life, part of His purpose? It once seemed that He had built it into me as an integral part of who I was. After four years without it, I began to doubt everything I knew about what God had for me.

Maybe writing was just a season ... my desires have shifted to serving God on rivers and mountains. Rather than spending my time sitting on a chair and staring at a screen, I'd rather hike to a cliff and watch stars.

But ... God doesn't waste things.

People, experiences, moments, seasons ... they have a purpose in His plan.

So as the fog clears in my mind, I am beginning to wonder ... what if my new desires and joys are not an attack on who I used to be but rather a complement to it?

The adventures that call me could feed and fuel the words I write. In the same way, the time I spend in reflection as I write can stretch and grow my heart to further enjoy life and serve God in all I do.

I don't know if I'll write books again. Probably. But whether God has books or blogs or whatever for me, I know that He has purposes in Who He is making me.

And while I can't see the whole picture, it's a beautiful view, and I am growing in my love of the One Who created it.

Summer-y

People ask me about my summer.

There’s no easy way to communicate what goes through my mind when I think about the last few months. In moments, a vivid, disjointed slideshow of memories plays out in my head. I see rapids, cliffs, and familiar smiles. My heart struggles to prioritize stories. After all, what was really the most important? The fact that I finally learned the munter mule knot for rappelling or the story of the evening my roomie and I drove to the top of the mountain and we felt like we were on top of the world? Should I describe what I know of reading water for rafting, or would people be more interested in hearing about the nights when my friends and I marveled as the sky was lit by a brilliant moon, lightening, and shooting stars?

Fears surface as I try to explain.

I fear the fact that no one can ever really understand what this summer was like unless he or she was there. I want to share these days with the family and friends I love. But since I can’t sync memories and emotions with others (which, if it could be controlled, would be SUPER COOL), I have to realize that words and pictures will have to suffice to give them the faintest sense of what my life was like. Which saddens me, because I feel as if there is a part of myself that I want to show them, but I don’t have the right tools. I feel thwarted, blocked at the pass, and very lonely for the people who lived this incredible season with me.

The fact that there is no thread that ties the memories together—no plot, no way to explain how everything fits and what everything was driving towards—makes me uneasy as to the purpose of all that I did.

It seems as if I should be able to look at the ministry aspect of my job and say, “Well, it was all for a purpose, because I shared awesome devos and I was able to encourage people….” and all the other things we maybe hope for when we step into a new area of service.

I wish I could summarize the adventure side of my job by saying, “I conquered all my fears! And I was good at everything! I got way better at interacting with people, and talking to strangers is no longer awkward!”

Well. It appears perhaps my hopes were a little too high. J

I’m coming to peace with the fact that the story is in pieces—just like a novel, the facets of our lives don’t always make sense until the true end of the story. Sometimes not even then. The song Farther Along by Josh Garrels has helped me with that.

Well, this post is getting long. Time to wrap up.

For sake of making sense of everything, I’ll risk attempting a brief summary of my memories here.

My job was FANTASTIC. I had a lot of fears going into the summer. Heights weren’t my favorite thing. I don’t love the dark or tight spaces. But I knew I wanted to grow, and I did. I’ve rappelled, caved, facilitated high ropes, trained quite a bit on the New River, and more. The fears aren’t gone, but I’m learning to live beyond them. Besides the adventure skills I gained, I had the chance to share a couple devotions with guests, and while I still have work to do in that area, I’m thankful that God has given me this opportunity to serve Him. It brings me joy to remember the moments when God’s hand at work was so clear in my life or another guide’s.

What surprises me is that many of my most vivid memories aren’t from the job. My heart longs to go back to hikes with guides, to relaxing in my hammock, going out for coffee, and laughing at the craziest things because I and the people I worked with just enjoyed being together.

And I choose to comfort my longings with the fact that no matter where I am or who is with me, there is One with me Who was there all summer long. God knows each of my memories better than I do. He knows exactly how I felt each day—that crazy blend of fear and courage, strength and weakness, incredible happiness and occasional woundedness. I don’t have to try to explain to Him and have it fall short.

So that’s it. That’s the only way I can explain right now.

It was amazing.

Waiting at a Rappel Site

Switchback

From our vantage point on the earth, life seems like a good old West Virginia backroad--full of switchbacks we can't see around. Sometimes we wonder if we'll make it around the next bend, and the turn may be so sharp that we have no idea what is around the bend.

This summer my life has taken another turn that I didn't expect at all even a year ago. And again, like many WV roads, the view beyond the bend is stunning.

The past six summers I've been work staff or cook at a Baptist camp near my home. This summer, I'm an adventure guide in West Virginia. I'm training as a whitewater rafting guide, and I'm helping facilitate rappelling, caving, high ropes, etc. All with a focus on using adventure to teach about God.

I expected stress this summer. Some moments are that way.

I expected responsibility. Yep. It's here.

I expected to like it once I got used to it. And I do.

More than I expected.

I've learned so much these last few weeks. My brain is bursting with knots, whitewater routes, cave landmarks, rescue methods, and more. I want to share it all, but honestly I think it would be kind of boring to people who aren't here in the middle of it.

More than anything, I just want to praise God for how good He is. I see His power all around me in the New River Gorge as I see the massive beauty He created. I remember it when I hear caving guests singing praises that echo off the cave walls. I rejoice in His goodness when all goes well, and I rely on Him for my sufficiency when I don't feel like I'm enough.

And I'm so thankful that He let me turn this corner and enter this incredible adventure.

Hamster Wheel

Sometimes life feels a bit like a hamster wheel.

God teaches me something once. I forget. He teaches me again. I forget again. I'm running in circles. Running in place.

Maybe that's part of the reason I have been kind of quiet here for a while. I haven't had anything witty or poignant or insightful to say. What I've been learning is what I've already known.

Christ must be the focus of my life.

This life is just so incredibly distracting. I go to Bible college to learn how to serve God better. And while I'm there I learn to love the state where I'm living, I take on new hobbies, new friends, and suddenly all these side attractions--these perks God has allowed in my service to Him--become the main thing in my mind. I start seeking to please my friends before my God. I want to learn more about my new hobbies more than I want to study God's Word. I look for new scenery rather than new people to serve.

I've been encouraged by Francis Chan's book Crazy Love lately. I haven't finished it yet, but as I sit and read, I've realized that the life I'm living is only a pale reflection of what true Christian living is supposed to be. Christianity was never meant to be something I do or one label among many. It is to be my entire identity and purpose.

It's daunting. And the truth is, I can't do it on my own.

I'm just thankful that as I seek Him, the God I serve remodels my life into what He desires.

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6).

So what's to be said about that hamster wheel? Am I really running in place?

Sometimes. But only when I'm running in my own strength.

There is victory in Christ.

Only in Christ.

Just Like Eve

How easily we miss the big picture.

How quickly it destroys us, and it hurts the heart of the God we say we love.

I've been reading And the Bride Wore White by Dannah Gresh for a class, and one chapter talked a lot about the biblical parable of the pearl of great price. Gresh emphasized the devotion needed to give up every lesser thing to obtain the pearl, the greatest thing.

I began to think of lesser things in my life. Ironically, though I knew they were lesser, they were some of the things that were most important to me.

To my shame, I began to mentally argue with God.

"They aren't bad things!"

"Why would you ask me to give that up or re-evaluate it?"

Can you see the point I missed? Think about it! What did I miss?

In surrendering the things I love to God, He gives me something better. Something beyond anything I have. In surrendering my sin, He gives me salvation. When I surrender my desires and plans, He gives me a life that honors Him and brings me joy and fulfillment.

I'm no different than Eve. She lived in a garden with all the wonderful things she could ever need, she had a perfect relationship with her husband, and she had an unbroken relationship with God Himself. Yet instead of being thankful and content with all she had, she became fixated with the one thing she was not allowed to have. She decided God wasn't right to keep it from her. She decided she was wise enough to make her own choice and disobey God.

In Eve's story I see myself. I run to trees God has told me to avoid and ask, "Why not this tree?"

I can imagine a response from the Lord. "Why that dangerous tree when I have given you so many good trees to enjoy?"

When I choose the forbidden over the gift, I take marred happiness instead of joy.

I choose temporary pleasure over lasting fulfillment.

I chase destruction and evade restoration.

I cling to wounds and refuse healing.

Don't mistake my meaning. I'm not suggesting that if I give God all my money, He'll give me more. That's not the kind of blessings I'm talking about at all here. I'm just making one statement about God's goodness.

God gives to His children above and beyond anything He takes.

It Dies Today

I see it fading. My heart is torn between disappointment and glad acceptance.

A selfish dream of my heart fades. Its absence confuses me. It has been a part of me so long that I almost can't imagine myself without it.

I will never be strong.

How many times have I fought and worked to be a strong person? At my core, I wanted to be the girl who could take every hit and still get back up. I thought I could find enough fight in me to keep myself going. I shouldn't need anyone. I shouldn't ever be overwhelmed or past my abilities. I craved control.

And I can't have it.

Because I am weak. I read God's Word and I see it. I'm a sinner (Romans 8:28) who doesn't even understand the mess of her own heart (Jeremiah 17:9). Jesus's statement in the garden of Gethsemane seems to describe me: "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matthew 26:41). I see these truths in my life. My failures and sins clearly demonstrate that I am unable to overcome.

What good is a weak person, one who is saved but still unable to handle her own life?

Apparently ... that's just the person God tends to use.

"For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: That no flesh should glory in his presence" (1 Corinthians 1:26-29).

Why is weakness such fertile ground for God to work? Because it shows that He is the One doing the work. And He does the work.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

My own strength is utterly insufficient. When I try to rely on myself, I only end up disappointing myself, others, and God.

But when I allow Him to work through me, then I can obey every command He gives.

So in the end, I will never be strong.

But I will have strength.

It just won't be mine.

What Life Is

Without ever meaning to, I began to believe a lie.

I believed that my life consisted of the little moments. Which sounds good, right? It sounds like a popular quote, something you'd see on a plaque or on pintrest. And it seemed to fit with my experience. The things I tend to cherish the most are hikes with friends, visiting a favorite coffee shop, or learning a new skill. Identifiable points in time that add up to a happy "life."

I believed life was something I was supposed to build and compile. Like a garden, I was supposed to plant the good things and weed out the unhappiness and struggles.

I don't think I fully realized what I believed and how I was acting. But things began to make more sense as I read God's Word.

My life is not here.

"If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory. ^"

 Colossians 3:1-3

It made me pause when I read it. My life is hid? It's with Christ? Then another passage came to mind.

"And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent."

John 17:3

Again, this passage describes life as something not on this earth. While I do have a "life" here on earth in one sense, in the truest sense my life is my relationship with God. He is my sustainer and fulfiller. He is the One Who gives me breath, existence, and purpose.

With this understanding, I'm finding that the only way to evaluate life is to measure the depth of my walk with God. If I'm having the happiest earthly life--full of all the things I love--but I'm not praying, reading the Bible, walking with God, then I'm not living much of a life. If on the other hand things aren't going well--if I struggle financially or I fall short of my goals or I fail in a career--but I'm close to God, then my life is a full one.

As hard as it is, in each joy or struggle of my earthly life, I have to remember that this is not my life.

My life is hid with Christ in God. 

Christian, You Are Not A Writer ... Not Like You Might Think

I used to think that I was a writer. That I would write until my dying day, and if I didn't I would lose myself. I think maybe other writers, especially young ones, have the same feeling.

But if you're a believer, that's not the truth. Not by a long shot.

College has forced me to re-think writing. I still love it and plan to pursue publication in the future. But right now it's not a part of my life. Not like it used to be. I'm taking 19 credit hours, I'm on a drama team, and I sneak some fun in here and there. So even though I have story ideas, they sit mostly untouched.

This would have bothered me a while ago. It doesn't now.

I have come to realize that my identity can never be tied to whether I can write a novel or can't string two words together. My identity is in Christ. I am God's child.

"If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God^" (Colossians 3:1-3).

I want to seek Christ, not a writing career.

So here's my encouragement to my fellow Christians who write: embrace your writing, whether it be now, later, always, or for only one season of life. But remember that you are not a writer, not when it comes down to it.

You are God's child.

Follow Him.

Light ... and Darkness -- Part II

Sometimes I feel smothered by the evil and pain in this world.

The darkness is all around. Violence. Horrible accidents. Corruption of all kinds. We hear it on the news. We see it in our own lives and in the stories we hear from many others. It's enough to discourage even believers. If we let it.

But Christians have hope that no one else possesses ... because we know the darkness has already lost.

Jesus said this shortly before His death: "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).

In His life, His death, and His resurrection, Jesus conquered the powers of evil.

The darkness is still in this world. It is still around us and will trouble us, and yes, we will likely be discouraged by it at times.

But Christians don't have to live that way. We can have peace, because our Lord said so. We can be of good cheer, because He told us to be.

Light has won. Darkness is defeated.

Peace is ours.

Switching POV

I've heard that it's easier for most new writers to write in third person.

Is that even possible?

Maybe you're one of those blessed people who can naturally write a novel in a third person point-of-view (POV). But I am not one of you. First person is my style. Remember that genre shift I talked about last week?

For my new genre, my new work in progress, I need to be able to write in third person.

Have you ever tried use your non-dominant hand to write a note, or even your name? That's kind of what it felt like as I tried to write in third person. My sentences, which usually pour into my mind in first person, were choppy, boring, and hard to come by.

Because of this, I've had to think a little about how to switch POVs, and I have at least one solid tip to pass on to you: Think in your dominant POV, then translate the sentence before you type it. If that doesn't work so well for you, try typing a paragraph in your dominant POV, then change the pronouns and verbs and such.

I tried this for my work in progress, and between that and thinking about the style I was going for, I was able to transition. I wouldn't say third person is easy for me yet, but that little trick helped me take my first steps into writing third person.

Any other POV suggestions? Let me know!

Needy People

"Don't be too needy."

This seems to be a constant whisper, a hidden or even blatant message I keep hearing in the world around me. "Don't be too needy, or no one will want to be around you." "Don't be too needy; that's selfish." "Don't enable a needy person." "Needy people need serious counseling."

But here's a little dose of truth: Every. Single. Human. Being. Is. Completely. Needy.

Yes. I just lumped you in with the needy people. Sorry, not sorry.

The facts are simple:

We can't be righteous in our own strength; we're sinners (Romans 3:10, 23).

We can't solve our sin problem on our own (John 14:6; Hebrews 10:1-18).


We can't seek God without His enabling (John 6:44).

We need God for the saving of our souls. We need God for our joy, peace, goodness, self-control, and everything else (Galatians 5:22-23)! Without God there would be no earth (Genesis 1-3). Christ sustains the world that He made (Hebrews 1:3). We have nothing without God.

See, that's where the problem is with "needy people." The problem is not that people are needy. The problem is that sometimes people seek the fulfillment of their needs in people, things, or accomplishments, and they fail to realize that God is the only one Who can supply their needs.

That being said, God does want Christians to love and serve each other--we are supposed to care for our brothers and sisters in need! "Bear ye one another's burdens" is still in the Bible (Galatians 6:2).

Yet when we find ourselves or others becoming a little too "needy," it is time to learn to depend upon God. This won't be a quick-fix. Though it sounds a little funny, you may need to help the "needy" person learn to depend on God if they've lost their way and don't know where to start.

But, ultimately, each of our needy, needy hearts can only be satisfied by Almighty God.

"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19